and it's stories like these that extend beyond metaphor:
where meaning is directly conveyed through the action -- life mirrors art mirrors life.
this evening, a and i went for a swim. now, california doesn't get cold. here, the weather can be dancing in the brisk and breezy sixties and people will don jackets and scarves.
tonight was not a warm california night. the wind chill echoed january's breath and whispered of february's imminent approach. it was definitely in the high forties -- the water at least ten degrees colder.
my skin was freezing so hard it felt burned. i wanted to scream and cry the second i jumped in -- feet first -- my legs felt like chicken and it was pins and needles everywhere.
"just keep treading!" a instructed. as i felt my breath catching in my chest, i was renewed by her composure. i didn't understand why a native californian was schooling me in the realm of temperature adjustment.
and i'll just use that same line i tell myself every time she emerges with some hidden talent:
maybe she learned it in the orphanage.
we swam in circles, treading water for hours. there it was, a minute existential quest imitating life. swimming with a sense of purpose only to achieve the same ultimate end.
i guess we could have chosen drowning.
we asked each other poignant questions. we shared our most secret desires in shallow, sharp breaths as our frigid limbs flailed under water.
the questions and answers i remember:
1. if you could force everyone who had ever doubted you into a room together, what would you say to them?
j - i'd be brief. something like "to those who doubted me, i apologize for not meeting your expectation of failure. to those who loved me, it probably wasn't easy. to everyone, thank you. you all motivated me."
a - ah, that's nice. nicer than i would be. i'd be more vengeful. i'd tell them that they belonged in hell and that they ruined my life, but that i fixed it. then i'd tell them to fuck off and i'd leave them in there for five hours. i'd make them sit on a green couch. get it? no exit?
j - belonged in hell, eh? you should have just quoted sartre. l'enfer est les autres. hell is other people.
a -those bastards wouldn't even get it.
2. what is the one thing you really dislike about yourself?
a - self-sabotage.
j - overcompensation.
3. what outfit will you wear when you get to where you want to be?
a- floral print lacy skirt.
j - high waisted sailor pants with big buttons.
4. what is the one thing that you want in your life? What is your ultimate goal?
J - some bullshit nonsense about happiness without satisfaction. nietzsche's theory of being the dancer as life reveals its music. making life into a work of art. amor fati.
a - i need to discover that ultimate goal. that is my goal. well, since you're going to quote nietzsche, i'm going to draw inspiration from his contemporary: connor oberst.
"Lately I've been wishing I had one desire,
Something that would make me never want another,
Something that would make it so that nothing matters,
All would be clearer then"
then we got so cold our hearts froze over, so we defrosted in the hot tub. a taught me how to sing. she taught me about physical anthropology, and why cold climates catalyze humans being shorter and stockier. why heat makes limbs long and limber.
she's teaching me how to sing.
- j
where meaning is directly conveyed through the action -- life mirrors art mirrors life.
this evening, a and i went for a swim. now, california doesn't get cold. here, the weather can be dancing in the brisk and breezy sixties and people will don jackets and scarves.tonight was not a warm california night. the wind chill echoed january's breath and whispered of february's imminent approach. it was definitely in the high forties -- the water at least ten degrees colder.
my skin was freezing so hard it felt burned. i wanted to scream and cry the second i jumped in -- feet first -- my legs felt like chicken and it was pins and needles everywhere.
"just keep treading!" a instructed. as i felt my breath catching in my chest, i was renewed by her composure. i didn't understand why a native californian was schooling me in the realm of temperature adjustment.
and i'll just use that same line i tell myself every time she emerges with some hidden talent:
maybe she learned it in the orphanage.
we swam in circles, treading water for hours. there it was, a minute existential quest imitating life. swimming with a sense of purpose only to achieve the same ultimate end.
i guess we could have chosen drowning.
we asked each other poignant questions. we shared our most secret desires in shallow, sharp breaths as our frigid limbs flailed under water.
the questions and answers i remember:
1. if you could force everyone who had ever doubted you into a room together, what would you say to them?
j - i'd be brief. something like "to those who doubted me, i apologize for not meeting your expectation of failure. to those who loved me, it probably wasn't easy. to everyone, thank you. you all motivated me."
a - ah, that's nice. nicer than i would be. i'd be more vengeful. i'd tell them that they belonged in hell and that they ruined my life, but that i fixed it. then i'd tell them to fuck off and i'd leave them in there for five hours. i'd make them sit on a green couch. get it? no exit?
j - belonged in hell, eh? you should have just quoted sartre. l'enfer est les autres. hell is other people.
a -those bastards wouldn't even get it.
2. what is the one thing you really dislike about yourself?
a - self-sabotage.
j - overcompensation.
3. what outfit will you wear when you get to where you want to be?
a- floral print lacy skirt.
j - high waisted sailor pants with big buttons.
4. what is the one thing that you want in your life? What is your ultimate goal?
J - some bullshit nonsense about happiness without satisfaction. nietzsche's theory of being the dancer as life reveals its music. making life into a work of art. amor fati.
a - i need to discover that ultimate goal. that is my goal. well, since you're going to quote nietzsche, i'm going to draw inspiration from his contemporary: connor oberst.
"Lately I've been wishing I had one desire,
Something that would make me never want another,
Something that would make it so that nothing matters,
All would be clearer then"
then we got so cold our hearts froze over, so we defrosted in the hot tub. a taught me how to sing. she taught me about physical anthropology, and why cold climates catalyze humans being shorter and stockier. why heat makes limbs long and limber.
she's teaching me how to sing.
- j
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